The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya (NC script)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to! Recently, I saw a movie critically acclaimed as one of the biggest movies of 2007. Well, I don't give a fuck what they say, "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" is one of the all-time lows in a lot of places! I've seen the anime, and when I went to the movie in IMAX last August, I had two things against it: "PG". That means the film would have to tone down everything revolving around the time-traveling girl. I came back home from the movie with an expression of shock on my face. The film had a lot of bad things I'm going to point out in this review. I'm going to get on with it. NC (voiceover): It starts out by introducing Haruhi Suzumiya. Just by seeing the start of the movie you'd figure out instantly she's God! In the anime you'd never figure it out until the ESPer boy talks about her. We see how she goes from mild-mannered junior high student at the start of the 2000-2001 school year to a sociopath with a stunning revelation she learned from social studies, a baseball game, and math. That's when we get introduced to the alien, Yuki Nagato. Inexplicably, she's already wearing the East Junior High uniform because of the PG rating. Then we see a debriefing of time travelers. One of them, Mikuru Asahina, an oversexed teenage girl, winds up being picked for a mission by someone who looks suspiciously like Slash. Slash: Your mission is to spy on this Haruhi Suzumiya character, that origin of the timequake of 2000. She's located in Nishinomiya, and she goes to school at East Junior High at the time of the timequake. NC: Slash is better as an axeman for Guns N Roses, Slash's Snakepit, and Velvet Revolver than as an actor, though you've got to admit, he looks pretty good in this film wearing his trademark top hat. Slash: Good luck... Mikuru Asahina. NC (voiceover): And then Mikuru is vaporized, leaving only her clothes behind. The next scene shows her walking into East Junior High to do some spywork. Finally, we get introduced to the ESPer boy, Itsuki Koizumi, who suddenly wakes up with unique powers. Next thing he knows, Mario, um, Mario and Jerry Seinfeld pick him up and take him to headquarters, where he learns that he has become an ESPer, one of an elite few around the world. NC: He learns that he's scheduled to infiltrate Haruhi's high school whenever they get the info on where she'll be going to high school. NC (voiceover): Then we see Haruhi up to mischief of a supernatural scale, including vandalizing school grounds and stuff. Yuki and Mikuru are spying on her from a safe distance, and then it's three years later. We see Kiyohiko, better known as Kyon, for the first time at the North High admission ceremony. Haruhi is in the background, but the camera manages to close in on her. Haruhi (voiceover): East Junior High was as boring as hell, but maybe North High will be up to its neck in weirdness. I think I'll take the initiative to call on the supernatural when introducing myself. Maybe then something weird will come up. NC (voiceover): And that's exactly what she does at class the first day. What is your name? Haruhi: I'm Haruhi Suzumiya of East Junior High. NC: And what do you want? Haruhi: If you are an alien, time traveler, slider, or ESPer, please come see me. That is all. NC: The actress playing Haruhi is a certain superstar named Emma Watson, who made a name for herself as Sailor Moon back in 2003. Sailor Moon: In the name of the Moon, I shall punish you! NC: Great job, Emma! I'm betting you'll outshine everyone else in this movie! Moving right along. NC (voiceover): After a fateful conversation with Kyon, Haruhi cuts her hair to shoulder-length. Each conversation with Haruhi becomes longer and more interesting, eventually culminating in an out-of-context comment by Kyon that inspires her. Haruhi: If it doesn't exist, I should make it myself! NC: Make what exactly? Haruhi: Make a club! NC: Rupert Grint as Kyon may be good for comedy, but unfortunately he doesn't put much effort into the part of a Deadpan Snarker. NC (voiceover): Haruhi then drags Kyon to the Literature Clubroom, where Yuki is waiting, though she acts like a normal bookworm, albeit emotionless. And I'm telling you, the person portraying her, Kay Panabaker, didn't put much effort into being emotionless at all! Then Mikuru gets dragged into the Literature Clubroom by Haruhi. Like Mikuru, the character she portrays, Anna Popplewell has a big rack, though she's having a hard time transitioning from courageous Susan Pevensie to timid and easily frightened Mikuru Asahina. While explaining the concept of moe, Haruhi grabs Mikuru's rack. NC: You know, for kids! NC (voiceover): Then Kyon, fed up with this perversion, punches Haruhi... Kyon: You pervert! What are you doing? NC: ...who quickly recovers. Haruhi: But they're really big! Seriously, go ahead and touch them. Kyon: Pass. NC: At Haruhi's urging, Mikuru quits the calligraphy club and joins Haruhi's new project: Haruhi: The SOS Brigade! NC: And what's that supposed to stand for? Slaves of Suzumiya? Kyon (voiceover): Sekai wo Ooi ni Moriageru tame no Suzumiya Haruhi no dan. Feel free to laugh. NC: Ha ha, very funny, Rupert. I didn't know you had to take Japanese in high school for your part in this film. NC (voiceover): Moving right along. Haruhi then plans to lift a computer for her club. Haruhi: This is the information age, and we don't have a computer? Unforgivable! NC (voiceover): And so Haruhi drags Kyon and Mikuru to the Computer Research Society, where she enters unannounced, much to the surprise of the society, led by a certain... Ranma... Saotome. Haruhi forces the leader to do some very perverted things to Mikuru while Kyon was snapping away. NC: You know, for kids! Haruhi: I've got pictures of your sexual harassment now. If you don't want these pictures plastered around school, hand over a computer. CRS President: That's ridiculous! You forced me to do it! I'm innocent! Haruhi: Oh, really? And just how many people will believe your side of the story? NC: The Computer Research Society proceeds to defend their leader. CRS President: All my subordinates are witnesses! It was against my will! CRS Member A: That's right! CRS Member B: It wasn't our leader's fault. Haruhi: Then I'll tell everyone at school that all you geeks ganged up on her and FUCKED her! NC: You know, for kids! NC (voiceover): Haruhi lifts the newest model and forces the club to help her get it set up, including the Internet! Kyon (voiceover): Can you say "extortion"? Good! NC (voiceover): Her next phase involves buying two full sets of Playboy Bunny costumes for herself and Mikuru and passing out flyers in costume. NC: You know, for kids! NC (voiceover): It attracts attention, and a half hour later, Haruhi returns from detention, fuming. Haruhi: They piss me off! They think they can get in the way, those Godforsaken teachers! Kyon: What, was there a problem? Haruhi: More than a problem! We were about to reach the halfway point when two teachers came running over and told us to STOP! What the hell's with them? NC: Maybe they're not used to seeing Playboy Bunnies on school grounds. Haruhi: Mikuru's crying like bloody hell, I myself wind up in detention, and even Mr. Handball himself, Okabe, shows up! NC: Serves you right for sexually harassing your senpai. Haruhi: God, this is so INFURIATING! That's it for today. DISMISSED! NC (voiceover): And so Mikuru asks Kyon to marry her if nobody else will because of that incident before disappearing for a day. That night, Yuki uses a bookmark in the book she had lent Kyon to call him over to her place to inform him that she was an alien... and that Haruhi isn't a normal human being either. Yuki: She and I are different from the vast majority of humans like yourself. NC: A-buh-jijabuh! Yuki: I am a humanoid interface created to make contact with organic life forms by the supervisor of the Milky Way galaxy, the Data Overmind. You can call me an alien. NC (voiceover): Yuki then tries to remain emotionless while describing the function of the Data Overmind. The next day, Mikuru bravely returns to the Literature Clubroom, and Haruhi introduces the long-awaited transfer student. And you are? Itsuki: Itsuki Koizumi. Nice to meet you. NC: Itsuki is played by Hoshi Ishida, who has no idea as to why his character's all smiley all the time, so he has to fake it. NC (voiceover): The next day, Kyon catches Haruhi with a half-undressed Mikuru. NC: You know, for kids! NC (voiceover): When Kyon reenters the Literature Clubroom ten minutes later, he's greeted by the sight of a maid. Haruhi and Kyon take some pictures of her in costume, and Yuki takes her glasses off and continues reading while her glasses were used in the maid photos of Mikuru. While Haruhi continues to sexually harass Mikuru... NC: You know, for kids! NC (voiceover): Kyon punches her again. Kyon: Hey! Cut it out already! Haruhi: So what? You can do this to Mikuru as well, can't you? Itsuko: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this? NC (voiceover): Then Haruhi orders the club to the Kitaguchi Station at 9 in the morning--on a Saturday, no less!--under penalty of death. Kyon shows up last, and to Haruhi, it's the same as being... Haruhi: You're late. Penalty! NC (voiceover): After assigning the Brigadiers to two groups and threatening to strangle Mikuru if she fools around with Kyon, the groups split up, with Haruhi's team going east. I guess that means Kyon and Mikuru are to go west. It's then that Mikuru tells Kyon the truth about herself. Mikuru: I'm not of this time plane. I come from further into the future. NC: How far? Mikuru: That's classified. NC: After telling Kyon about a timequake that happened three years ago in the movie's time, which is hinted to be 2003, Mikuru tells him just what information is... Mikuru: That's classified. NC (voiceover): When they return to the station, Haruhi accuses Mikuru of fooling around, but Kyon counters by asking if her own party had found anything. At a WcDonald's nearby, it was decided that Haruhi's group this time would go south, leaving Kyon and Yuki to go north. They go to a library, where Kyon has a hard time getting Yuki to check out a book after getting a threatening phone call from Haruhi: Haruhi (voiceover): YOU DUMBASS! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE! I'M GIVING YOU JUST 30 SECONDS! NC (voiceover): That's when Kyon and Yuki rush out of the library--after Kyon got Yuki to check out her book, of course--and are met by a very pissed-off Haruhi. Haruhi: Late. Penalty! Wah wah machine NC (voiceover): Haruhi decides to review Kyon's behavior that day, and as if that wasn't enough, Murphy's Law kicks in HARD, as he finds out his bike got towed. The next week, at the cafeteria, Kyon realizes something about Itsuki as soon as he mentions Haruhi Suzumiya's name. Kyon: I'm going to guess you're an ESPer. Is it true? Itsuki: It isn't quite the same. But yes, I'd be closest to your description of an ESPer. Indeed, I'm an ESPer. NC: Then Itsuki tells Kyon about the Agency and about his own origins as an ESPer, and he too has something to say about Haruhi Suzumiya. Itsuki: She's someone who can create and destroy at will--humans have called such a being God. NC (voiceover): A-buh-jijabuh! Itsuki: She's yet to realize her true potential. NC (voiceover): Then Kyon returns to see an undressed Mikuru. NC: You know, for kids! NC (voiceover): Mikuru places the blame on herself. The next day, Kyon confronts Haruhi about her absence from the club the day before, and she complains about the heat. At the club, Kyon convinces Haruhi to allow him to delete the maid photos of Mikuru, but then, while she wasn't looking, he places all the files in a folder and encrypts the folder with a password that obviously isn't Swordfish. After everybody had left the school, Kyon heads off to Room 1-5 as directed by a note he had received. And who does he encounter but Ryouko Asakura? After some talk about change, Ryouko says something that reveals her true nature: Ryoko: ...I'm going to kill you and see how Miss Suzumiya reacts. M. Bison: Of course! NC (voiceover): Then Ryouko takes out a knife, manipulates the space into lacking escape routes, and paralyzes Kyon--right before Yuki comes in. During the scuffle that results, a song is playing in the background that says "bitch-slap" in the lyrics. NC: You know, for kids! NC (voiceover): And Kay Panabaker is having an even harder time trying to be emotionless during the fight scene. NC: Who's she trying to emulate, Arnold Schwarzenegger? NC (voiceover): Anyway, Ryouko impales Yuki with a dozen light brown spears, with nothing graphic shown, and Yuki loses her glasses. And then Ryouko's right arm goes straight through Yuki's chest, with resulting blood. NC: You know, a kid's movie! NC (voiceover): In any case, Yuki terminates Ryouko's data link, and Ryouko turns into dust. Yuki then reconstructs the classroom just as it had originally been before the fight. But then Yuki remembers something: Yuki: I forgot to reconstruct the glasses. Kyon: I think you look cuter without them. I don't really have a glasses fetish. Yuki: What is a glasses fetish? Kyon: Just forget I said anything. Yuki: OK. NC (voiceover): Yuki then makes it look like Ryouko had moved to Canada, our neighbor to the north, where everything's aboot her father's job. NC: That's right: Canadians say aboot instead of about. NC (voiceover): Then Kyon gets a strange visitor in the Literature Clubroom in the form of a future Mikuru Asahina, who then shows him a star-shaped mole on her chest. Kyon: Super-size me! NC (voiceover): After the future Mikuru gives Kyon a sneak-peek of what will happen soon by asking him about the story of Snow White, he asks her how old she is, and before leaving, she says... Mikuru: That's classified. NC (voiceover): Haruhi is pissed off that Kyon showed up late AGAIN and drags him into the hallway to talk aboot Ryouko's apparent and sudden move to Canada. Haruhi: I asked for Asakura's old address. We'll check it out after school. And you're coming with me! Kyon: Naze? Haruhi: And you call yourself one of my gumshoes? NC (voiceover): And so Haruhi and Kyon hurry to the apartment where Ryouko lived. Haruhi: Hurry up. Wilhelm scream NC (voiceover): After questioning the manager of the condo turned out no results, Haruhi tells Kyon how she became the antisocial freak of nature she is now, recounting an event that had occured earlier in the film--without any flashbacks, of course. When he finally returns home, he's intercepted by Itsuki, who takes him all the way to a crowded street and into what is known as a closed space. Then a cobalt-blue monster starts destroying everything, and Itsuki joins his colleagues in fighting the monster, known as a Shinjin. When the Shinjin is defeated, the closed space disintegrates. NC: The last half-hour is in 3-D, but I used a completely 2-D recording from Starz to illustrate everything I showed you. However, Haruhi's F word earlier was a bit tricky to display, though I managed by combining the 2-D recording with audio I got from sosproductions.com using the editing system I use for my videos. NC (voiceover): Moving right along. As Kyon is viewing the photos of Mikuru, Haruhi comes in and sees them together. Haruhi then kicks him out so she could change into the Playboy Bunny costume. Haruhi: Well, at least my arms and shoulders are cool, but the rest of this outfit doesn't breathe! NC: That night, Kyon has a weird dream. Haruhi: Kyon... wake up. I SAID WAKE UP, DAMN YOU! NC (voiceover): He winds up in a closed space meant to resemble North High. After a while, Itsuki shows up as a red light and tells Kyon the startling news: Itsuki: Suzumiya has finally given up on the current world and decided to create a new world. M. Bison: Yes! YES! NC: OK, I had to put it in there. NC (voiceover): Anyway, Haruhi and Kyon are witnessing the destruction caused by the Shinjin in the closed space. Kyon finally gets an idea: Kyon: I have a ponytail fetish. Haruhi: What? Kyon: That ponytail you had worn at one time looked so good it should've been illegal. NC (voiceover): And then you see Kyon kissing Haruhi. And then he returns to his room, with everything back to normal. After chatting with Itsuki, Kyon goes to the Literature Clubroom to find Yuki there. And Kay Panabaker is still trying and failing to be emotionless when she says: Yuki: Don't worry. I won't let them. NC (voiceover): That was a response to Kyon's question as to whether another radical alien would jump him. After school, Kyon finally tells Mikuru just where her star-shaped mole is. NC: Haruhi then comes in with a new outfit for Mikuru to wear: Haruhi: This time you'll be a nurse. NC (voiceover): The club is finally approved under the pseudonym "Spreading cheer to Our Student body Brigade", and Kyon and Haruhi participate in the second club patrol, and this time, it's Haruhi who's treating. And so the two set off on the patrol. NC: You know, last month the film had its network TV debut on ABC, and they saw some sense, because the airing was rated TV-14. During the commercial breaks, I saw a preview for the next installment, "The Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya", and it will be presented in 3-D when it's broadcast. God, I hope everyone improves their acting in this one and that Emma outdoes even this performance. I have high expectations for this summer's debut. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to!!